CNF: Nostalgia for Everything

I remember carting around a lush, green lawn in my Barbie mobile

I remember swiftly pedaling on my pink, sparkly bike, savoring the wind screaming by me

I remember hiding under the golden oak bunk bed when my "father" came back

I remember mixing potions like a green, big-nosed witch with shampoo and soap that bubbled up into my face

I remember my great-grandpa Criswell giving me that wrinkled one dollar bill, although he never could afford it

I remember the last thanksgiving day with him before his life faded into the blue, blue sky

I remember sitting next to the future love of my life in fifth grade and never knowing it

I remember writing my first tale of a mermaid in love

I remember seeing my playground as a pirate ship and sailing into the sea

I remember the dark room glowing with pink jellyfish floating by my head watching me

I remember trailing my mother, wanting her to speak to me, I inquired about every beautiful flower of hers we passed

I remember my first innocent kiss in a church on a wedding day; we hid behind a pew and brushed lips

I remember dowsing snails in salt to watch them fizz up like freshly shaken soda and die

I remember how clear droplets of fear dribbled down my face in a hallway after being informed by a stranger of my sisters attempt

I remember the first hug with my love, my heart pounding against my chest, ready to jump out and into his big, soft hands

I remember the tomato red blush of embarrassment as I held onto my love longer than I should

I remember being the courageous one and grabbing the hand of my lover, and never wanting to let go as we strolled to the locker room sweaty and in love

I remember the fairy-tale kiss in the rain he gave me

I remember wading through the pool water with him under the shining stars for hours

I remember quaking in terror as he first drove me home

I remember burning my arm making a dinner of enchiladas for him when I was reverberating nervousness

I remember writing poetry to alleviate the pain

I remember meeting my best friend in the most unexpected place

I remember finding out that the same best friend smoked..

I remember wishing

I remember praying

I remember loving

I remember hating

I remember begging for these memories to disappear

I remember.

I remember.

CNF: Growing is Forever

The excrutiating pain...of growing up. We all do it, we must, whether it be at eight years told due to tragedy or at eighty years old due to a realization. Our capacity of learning and becoming wise is minimal, while out division is massive. As human beings we are intricate, decisive, protective, and so very afraid. From the day we are born to the day we are laying in a casket we are terrified; clowns, judgement, heights, betrayal, failure, ourselves, and almost everything and everyone around us. Those fears, so small and useless, divide us into labels, making us who  we are. Emo, skater, prep, jock, but we are all the same. We all grow into white and grey hair, with wisdom and trust in our grasps and we grow out of the labels we are given and so readily accept in the now. But the lingering scars of those fears and labels do not just define who we are, but how we act and interact. Now I ask...what fears control you?

Why I write:

I write for the sake of memories. Their brightness and darkness, to me, needs to be remembered and shared so that people may understand how I feel, what I went through and the pure love-along with hatred-I hold in my heart. I believe writing is a sort of remembrance, no matter what you write, in some way you are thinking of a time in your life that relates to your subject. I also write to help; help make at least one person smile or not feel so alone. In my heart, I believe no one deserves the bitterness of loneliness in their lives. And to help, I must first be heard, so I write, for only on paper can I make sense of the storm brewing inside me, all the thoughts screaming through my head, and all the memories I will never forget. But there is one more reason why I write, and it is the biggest: to strangle the pain down I sometimes subdue, and to be free. Free of having to let everything build up until I must entrust my fragile feelings in someone else’s hands. Fear, is in all of us, but for me it is released through my words that flow from my pencil. And that is why I write.